Winter Break at the Overlook

I saw The Shining when I was 10 years old. Too early? Definitely. But having experienced it at such a young age, I can't help but think that it is part of me. I grew up with Jack and Wendy Torrance. Maybe they weren't my parents per se, but they were like an Aunt and Uncle. I got to watch Uncle Jack unravel before my eyes as I rode my big wheel through the giant hotel. I guess I traded off with cousin Danny. 

And then before the snow hit, Aunt Wendy, Danny and I got to struggle through the maze. We were laughing and having so much fun. Danny's friend, Tony, would visit and give us words of wisdom. Tony was kind of scary himself but he had our backs.

What an adventure it was to be in the Overlook Hotel. The fun party guests. The Grady sisters too. They loved to play with Danny. Uncle Jack throwing the racquetball around. Hallorann coming to visit at an inopportune time. Awkward.

Anyway, I am listening to the audiobook now. I know there is controversy as the Kubrick movie was not as close to the book as Mick Garris' version was. But the Kubrick movie was awesome. So, I guess I am preparing myself to be disappointed with the book.

I have always heard that books are better than the movies. Probably true in 95% of cases. But the medium is so different. Something that takes you days to finish. And something that takes you a couple hours to finish. How can you really compare?

And how can I listen to the audiobook and not picture Jack Nicholson limping through the kitchen with a big old axe? How can I not picture Danny as a kid with a Dorothy Hamill hairstyle? The one exception though is that I can picture Rebecca De Mornay as Wendy. No offense to Shelley Duvall. Shelley will always be Aunt Wendy, but Rebecca De Mornay is really hot. Isn't Wendy supposed to be blonde in the book?

Now I feel guilty. How could I do this to Aunt Wendy? She would be so disappointed in me. But hey! She wasn't really family. Come on! Aunt Wendy?! Who am I kidding? Danny was not my cousin. That freaky finger thing...

 

I Say Turntable, But I Mean Record Player

 My wife got me a turntable a few years ago. So, I located my vinyl records and began playing them. Unfortunately, the one she got me was one of those Crosley all in one models. It could play CDs and had a radio. The turntable worked okay, but the volume had a short in it so either it was blasting or barely audible. So, it did not end up having that killer vibe that I see in this painting here.

This painting was done by my Dad, Barry Woolery. It is one of my favourites. It harkens back to the bygone days when we used to listen to albums and do puzzles or play chess. We would listen to the story of the album. Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks or Van Morrison's Wavelength. Or Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual. Or The Cure's Head on the Door. 

Last year, my wife got me another turntable. This time just a turntable. A good one. From a guy who refurbishes them out of his house. It was great. I was so excited. I had a tuner so I was all set to hook it up. When I did, there were problems. Of course.

You know how we have analog and digital? I think this painting is more analog. Well, my tuner was digital. There are probably more technical terms to describe it, but needless to say my awesome purchase at Costco 20 years ago was only designed for digital output. And it was showing its age. 

I was able to buy a sort of connector device which is supposed to bridge the gap between a phonograph player and an "advanced" tuner. After hooking that up, I was still having issues. But in my idiocy, I assumed it was the turntable that was problematic. My wife said the audio guy guarantees his stuff. So I called him up and he said to come on by.

Now, this audio guy is great. A hippie from back in the day. Started off in premed, but then went to electronic repair. A surgeon of another discipline. I took my turntable in. He hooked it up to his system, pulled out some Deep Purple, cranked it up and of course it sounded perfect. My tuner sucked. Of course.

So, I bought a cool tuner from him. A nice silverish wood JVC, with some pretty decent output. I finally had everything I needed. I had some sweet Advents that an old roommate gave me. Now, I could finally kick back in the woods and play some Tom Petty or OMD or The Dickies.

After blasting it for a few minutes, there was a problem. Not a bad problem. Not an audio problem. That was solved. No. We had a smell problem. The tuner had apparently lived in a smoker's home for 30 years. I tried to open the windows and run the fans, but my wife wouldn't have it. I couldn't blame her. It wasn't a subtle smell.

So, I put it in the garage on a table, opened the case and ran a fan on it. After a week I brought it back in hoping it was fixed. 

It still had the smoke smell.  

I am guessing that 30-40 years of cigarette smoke infiltration does not get eliminated in one week. But I can't leave it in the garage on a table for 30 years.

Alas! I'm not that guy in the painting yet. I'll get there though...

I'm Here For An Argument!

Earlier tonight I was helping my daughter with an argumentative essay for school. I was really excited about it until I realized that she needed to cite sources. Ugh! I hate citing sources. What is the fun in writing if you have to back everything up with actual statistics?

In college I took a class on writing and I remember the professor was really passionate about writing a good, argumentative essay. I turned in an assignment and he said it was really good and informative but it was not 

ARGUMENTATIVE

That always stuck with me, because at that moment, I finally realized what he had been talking about all semester. You have to argue for something. Be persuasive. It took me back to the movie/play, Biloxi Blues, where Eugene gets scolded by Arnold. He said: 

"You're a witness. You're always standing around watching what's happening, scribbling in your book what other people do. You have to get in the middle of it. You have to take sides. Make a contribution to the fight... Any fight. One you believe in. Until you do you'll never be a writer Eugene."

Okay, fine. I cited a source...

I always thought that was interesting because this experience was kind of autobiographical for Neil Simon. And he was a great playwright. Did he agree with that statement? Maybe the sentiment.

There I am standing around with my notebook scribbling what other people do. Arnold got me pretty good.

Dental Journeys

 My kids are with their cousins. They wanted to play Murder in the Dark in the daylight. I think it is like Mafia or Werewolf or Survivor. But they don't take their shirts off.

They where trying to figure out how to choose the murderer. Their initial solution was to have me choose so stupidly I just called out one of their names. And then I got scolded for being so obtuse.

I guess their next method to determine the murderer was to have our dog choose. They would close their eyes and call to him. Whoever he touched would be the murderer. So, they did this and then he touched one of them to which that child blurted out: "He touched me!"

After the laughs died down my wife suggested they draw papers out of a hat. Each of them realizing that this was the only reasonable way to do it suddenly took credit for having thought of that but didn't say anything to the group.

So, you would think this hat method would be foolproof. But somehow it still didn't work. A couple of them lost their papers?

I find this whole process fascinating. It took them 20 minutes and they never ended up playing the actual game. But they had so much fun failing.

Do you remember going to the video store with friends to try to decide on a movie? Impossible task. I remember marveling at the very idea. How could you not end up choosing the worst possible movie? Everyone has their own opinion. Everyone has seen everything already. Everyone is just there to be with everyone. 

I miss video stores. That was fun.

I used to walk home from school with my friend and argue about whether a movie was good or not. He would say that the movie was terrible but would concede that it was entertaining. For me, if it entertained, it was good. It achieved its purpose. Like for him, Top Gun. Very entertaining, but a terrible movie. While I was a bit more indifferent on the Top Gun front, I did think that Mr Mom was a good movie. It was funny, had some good laughs. But no Academy Awards there.

All those movie arguments and all I can think is: Dumb and Dumber is a good movie... 

The Toilet Whisperer

Does it bother you that everything that shuts in your home has this new, whisper-close technology? Why do we need this? Why is this so important to have doors automatically close as if the most delicate people were stepping in and living our lives for us?

First of all, kids need to experience slamming doors. They need to be able to slam doors, windows, drawers, cabinets, toilet seats, etc. Why?! Because they are kids. Why are we taking this right away from them? The whole idea of being a kid is to walk into a room and have people go: Whoa! Now this kid can really slam doors!

Second, whatever happened to being able to throw a good tantrum? How am I going to be able to make a totally ridiculous point if I cannot slam a drawer full of utensils shut?! I expect to slam it so hard that it does not even close right. That forks and knives going flying in every direction. 

Third, what is the deal with these stupid toilet seats? If I cannot set a toilet seat down without having it bounce a couple times, I don't deserve to be using a toilet seat. Send me out to the backyard if I can't handle that. 

The other problem is teaching our kids that all toilet seats slowly close. I can see them now on their first dates, using the restroom and suddenly the seat pounds down. Not a good opening. Of course, asking to use the restroom when you get to your date's house is not the best either... 

To add insult to injury, we got a faulty whispering toilet seat. It does not even go all the way down. It is like stuck in mid close. You walk in there and it is like time is standing still. I'd be afraid to look in the toilet. Who knows what is in mid-flush? The bathroom that time forgot.

Why Am I So Important In The Life of a Fly?

What is with flies? Why are they so social? Plenty of other bugs want nothing to do with us. But somehow flies just have to be involved with everything we are doing. 

Do they think they are being loyal? Are they snuggling up to me as they land on my arm? Are they whispering sweet nothings in my ear? Are they wanting to share a plethora of food items with me that they have gathered throughout the day? Why am I so important in the life of a fly? 

We have food everywhere. My kids have not thrown any of their wrappers away in the trash this year. Surely these flies can find something else besides me to bother.

It's like the taste of dead human skin cells is a delicacy that they cannot resist. "I gotta have it! I gotta have it!"

I was told many years ago by my cousin that we kill flies because they land on and eat poop. While that is a pretty good reason, I think the main one is that they just bug us. I don't know why we are so upset about it. We love dogs... And I am sure the flies wash their hands right after they are done. It's more than you can say for the dog.

Flies are pretty quick. I can tell when I go to swat them that they are totally one step ahead of me. Or three steps ahead of me. I never had a chance. Their senses are so keen. Like Fly Sense instead of Spidey Sense. 

But we hate flies. No other bug has a swatter named after it. Bee swatter. Nope. Spider swatter. Uh uh. Fly swatter. We have a special place in our home for it. Who invented the fly swatter? That person should have a statue.

Oh and that feeling of their little feet on our skin. It is so unsettling. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it. Then they buzz by my ear. Sit there and try to relax thinking of that idea.

The fly is really quite an amazing creature. It seems like they were created just to completely throw us off. I am sitting here typing on my computer and a fly decides she wants to start an argument. And I start flailing my arms and going bonkers. I know she is laughing. Pointing her little fly fingers at me. You know. The fingers she just washed after landing in the poop in the yard. 

 

Job Interview Question #48 - What's Your Biggest Weakness?

Job Interview Question #48 - What's your biggest weakness?

Hmmm. Now let me think. My biggest weakness.

Well, I really want this job, but I have to answer truthfully. Where do I start? 

Should I go with "staying up all night watching The Bachelor?"

How about "No follow through? I don't finish anything."

Or "I am a terrible procrastinator."

"I forget people's names. I've already forgotten yours. In fact, what company is this? Is this the one with the questionable business model?"

"I don't test my code. I just throw it out there and hope it doesn't break."

"I care more about the company I am working for than I do about my family."

"I don't have good hygiene. In fact, I can't remember the last time I showered."

"I'm a really loud chewer."

"I have A. D. H. D. I haven't finished a task in three years."

"I'm a really bad listener. If it's not about me, forget it."

"I don't really know how to code. I just blame everyone else all the time for my inadequacies."

"I'm never at my desk."

"I love meetings. If I could be in meetings all day acting like I know what I am talking about, I much prefer that to doing real work."

"I make really poor decisions. And I like them to be fast. The faster the better."

In looking at what the professionals say about this question, they advise people to not actually say what their biggest weakness is. Instead the interviewee is supposed to answer with a sort of straw man that she can quickly knock out of the park with what they are doing to overcome it.

So, essentially the interviewee needs to lie and have a nice thought up story (another lie) to go along with it showing that progress is being made to overcome the biggest weakness.

Now the whole situation is getting ridiculous.

Biggest weakness. Why would they ask the question if they didn't want to know? Of course they want to know. Who wouldn't want to know? Maybe the interviewee is just dumb enough to tell them their biggest weakness. 

And of course there is a part of me that really wants to tell them my biggest weakness. What an opportunity! I don't know these people at all. I could say anything. Why not make the interview even more awkward than it already is?

"I still pee the bed."

"Sometimes I forget to wear my clothes to work."

"I eat crackers in bed."

"I tend to smile when people tell me bad news."

"I keep track of my co-workers when they swear."

"I sleep under my desk."

I am hoping that I don't get this question anytime soon.