As I have grown up watching movies, it is a medium I have always loved. But I sort of wonder how it correlates with actual life. It is escape, but how much escape is it? Are we escaping so much that we are losing track of fundamental existence?
I go through each day attacking goals. I come up with goals, write them down and take days to get them done. I have a family that brings me a lot of joy. But I wonder why I am not having to fight off nazis. Why don't I know anyone who is an absolute expert at something and so passionate about it that they are willing to die for it? And what about the every day stories that always crop up?
I bring up the nazi example, because somehow movies typically end up going in that extreme direction. National Socialism is something that happened in our world and it conveys a convenient ultimate evil.
Movies are all about being so extreme. It has to be that way because we don't have time to go into any philosophies. We need something quick and dirty that most people will get right away. Naziism. Perfect. It has the ultimate bad guy. The ultimate, hate-filled philosophy. The ultimate, recognizable symbol. The ultimate, head in the sand approach. The ultimate, obey orders or die.
I almost feel like it is a cop out to go that direction. The writing team is together and they are wanting to come up with a bad guy. They start out with something cool, but then the Hollywood types get involved. Pretty soon, they want to simplify it. They are all about taking out the stuff which makes people have to think. They water it down. They want the broader audience.
And I know. You got two hours. Basically, you have to decide what it is you want to really accomplish with this film. Do you really want to spend the time with the main character as he learns how to check off his goals? No. We expect him to already be established. We expect that his goals were already achieved and whatever the big, bold direction the movie is going in will be that goal.
My current goal is getting the sprinklers adjusted and spraying in the right spot. When I accomplish that, I am excited. But how do you make a movie about that? So I take this idea to Hollywood. It's the feel good hit of the summer. I was able to adjust my sprinklers and create green, lush grass.
So here I am in a dialogue with Hollywood:
Me: Here's my pitch. I want to see a movie about a busy guy whose main goal is to finish things around the house.
Holly: So like a Mr Mom type movie?
Me: I guess so, but he would still have a job. He has a family and kids. His wife works too. He just has a tough time getting his home projects done.
Holly: Then he is handicapped. In a wheelchair.
Me: No. He is a normal guy who just doesn't know how to do stuff.
Holly: An illiterate city dweller, who comes to the country to farm the open land. Like Northern Exposure. Or Green Acres.
Me: Yeah, I guess that is kind of it.
Holly: So we'll have all these backwoods, idiot neighbors with lots of quirks that the audience laughs at.
Me: Can't the neighbors be the fairly normal ones? It's the main character who is flawed because he has very little common sense.
Holly: Aha! We have a character like Tom Hanks in the Money Pit where a series of prat falls and slapstick ensue in a Rube Goldberg type way throughout the house and yard.
Me: I guess so. He does stupid things because he is learning. But they don't all happen in a row or anything.
Holly: Well, we want to keep the audience invested in him. If multiple things happen to him like he continually gets sprayed in the face over and over and over again, then that's comic gold.
Movie plots have to play out this way, because otherwise, why would anyone go see it? And to me that is the unfortunate thing. The embellishment always has to be there. It can't just be accomplishing a goal. The story is not about adjusting the sprinkler. The story is all the elements which combined to try to prevent the protagonist from adjusting the sprinkler. The nazis who moved in next door, the explosions going on across the street, the car race going on down the street, the liberal water rights group who think the water should be going to the indigenous hummingbird population. It has to be huge because it is a movie.
I was really nervous. I had trouble sleeping the night before. I did not really know which direction I should go. I started feeling angst. I wondered why they put me in charge.
My son was having his birthday party and I was in charge of the Nerf gun war.
I have been in plenty of Nerf gun wars thanks to my Uncle. It has traditionally been a gigantic melee where everyone is running around inside my parents' house shooting Nerf darts at each other. I think my sister was the youngest at age 25 when this started. My uncles, aunts and parents have all been involved in these wars. It was not uncommon for another uncle to bring a date and this was her introduction to the family.
And this started back when the Nerf guns were relatively new. They had the suction cup ends to them and they didn't hurt that much. It was not uncommon to have misfires and not a lot of power. And the darts stick to my bald head. Now the new types hurt.
But this was something new. I was never in charge of the family one. With my son's party, I didn't really know how to act. Am I a referee? Am I supposed to yell at the kids to only shoot below the belt? Or below the knees? Avoid the face? No headshots? All of these questions have an instinctive no to them, but with different kids, it is hard to be sure.
I asked my son what he thought the games should be like and he had this idea about having a timer bomb that they were trying to retrieve. Three teams of three. One is defending the bomb. One is trying to get to the bomb. And the other team is trying to make sure the bomb goes off? I never quite understood what the last team was supposed to do.
After my son told me this, I was thinking that this was way too complicated for a group of kids who just want to shoot each other with Nerf guns. But later, I found out I was wrong.
My wife advertised that we would supply Nerf darts and goggles and Nerf guns if they needed them. She said she would just get goggles at the Dollar Store. And I am thinking Dollar Goggles? I was concerned about that claim. She texted me the day before suggesting a couple different types. I said she should just get sunglasses. She liked that idea, so she found some nice dollar wrap around sunglasses. All they needed now were leather jackets and thick Austrian accents.
When the party got there, I was still sort of wondering how to go about it. We opened presents and ate cupcakes first. Most of the kids brought Nerf guns as presents. I was busy repairing one of our Nerf guns while the kids started playing in the playground area. When I fixed it, I decided to go in with my Nerf gun and be a target for them. I didn't want to upstage my son. I wanted him to have fun, but I wanted the others to as well. Being a common target, the old guy who has it coming, was a lesson I learned years ago from my father when the Kid Attack happened at a family reunion.
That worked out for a bit, but then we decided to split up into two teams and do my son's idea. I would do the timer bomb, the timer being my cell phone and a cupcake being the bomb. We started that, but then the kids took off utilizing the whole school instead of just the fenced off playground. It made no sense. And it was a windy day. Now that I think about it, I guess I hijacked it.
I suggested we bring it in to just the fenced off playground area and we have two teams each trying to get to the cupcake. If you get shot by a Nerf dart, you have to respawn at your base. This seemed like a pretty good idea. The cupcake was at the top of a jungle gym tower sort of thing and each team would go for it. After a couple rounds of this, it became apparent that the kids were ditching their Nerf guns in order to get the cupcake, which makes sense since a Nerf gun just slows you down. And as long as they were fast enough to avoid getting hit, they could easily get the cupcake. I am amazed at how kids can be so clever and come up with new and different ways to win.
However, I had to step in again and say that each kid has to carry their Nerf gun. Otherwise, we are getting away from the Nerf war concept. (Kind of strange that a peaceful solution was not in my best interest here...)
Another kid showed up at this time so this allowed me to step off the field and let it just be the kids. They played a couple more rounds of Get the Cupcake Bomb before they wanted a new game. I suggested just the melee, but they wanted some really sophisticated stuff. They had this whole role-play concept down. They voted to do a Zombie type thing. And if they are hit, then, like a zombie they have to slow down. Slow down? Are they supposed to groan also? If they capture someone, do they start biting their legs and arms? They wanted to use the whole school grounds and play with these really complicated sets of rules.
I was impressed, but they lost me. I was out of their league. They were ready for headshots with Rick and the gang and I am still thinking: "Wouldn't you prefer a simple game of chess?"
All in all, I feel that it was successful. I believe that leaving kids to play on their own is probably the best way. I still brought in my input, which I think gave some more simple and basic game play. My goal is for it to work best for the most kids possible.
I guess what sums it up best was a lady who saw me playing with them and asked if this was my son's party. I said it was and she said: "Bless you." I probably gave her a funny look.
I played Ward Ball tonight. I wasn't going to, but I really needed to get some exercise. I figured if nothing else, I could run up and down the court along the side and act like I have never played the game before in my life. Sadly, that wasn't too far off from what actually happened.
Now Ward Ball is done by neighborhood. Whoever is in your neighborhood is who you get. The only exception to this is if you bring a friend who is unaffiliated with any other Ward Ball teams. Bringing in a Ringer can be really nice, but things can get pretty ugly pretty fast with someone with real skill.
Why is that?
To understand that, I need to delve back into a little history. This is the kind of history which is studied in Cultural Anthropology. Each man was once a boy and boys tend to have big dreams. Believe it or not, those dreams never really go away. This dream, among the hundred, is to be a major basketball star.
Looking at the NBA today, the smallest guys on the team make up the largest guys on the team in Ward Ball. This does not stop these "big men" from thinking that they really are 7 foot tall and can play at an extremely high level. They think this...
The dream continues to be there, but life happens too. Fast forward a few years and now you have a lot of pent up rage. Family life, job stress, no exercise, eating too much. All of this is bottled up inside the Ward Ball player. He steps on the court and suddenly becomes a completely different human being. It's time to re-live the glory days. Only problem is, there are 9 other guys out there thinking the exact same thing.
Conflict is inevitable.
But generally speaking, most of the guys handle it pretty well. There are the hotheads. The team keeps an eye on them. There are the elbow-throwers, cheap shots, dirty players, and it's weird because these guys are supposed to be these great, spiritual examples for others to emulate. But Ward Ball just switches them on like they are sleeper cells.
When bringing a friend to play, it can be very enjoyable. The competition is good enough to keep it fun and interesting. However, when the friend is a Ringer, that is a problem. There is a certain betrayal. We have these neighborhoods with a bunch of short players. Everyone knows each other from every other year. Suddenly, someone brings in this 6'6" guy who is 280 lbs of complete muscle and can dunk it and is used to playing with the pros.
It's kind of like having a group of friends and you all end up marrying the girls from the town. But then there is one guy in the group who has to go score a model from LA and it changes the dynamic. What's that all about?
It gets ugly when the Ringer shows up and all those guys with big dreams are now standing front and center with him. They start hacking him, hitting hard, fouling. He starts hacking back. Pretty soon, fists are flying, people are yelling, cussing, spitting, red faces. Should have stayed home and watched all that on The Bachelor.
There probably should be rules against Ringers. But I suppose Ringers are people too.
