He Ain't Heavy. He's My Bottle

The other day I was scorned because of my water bottle. The small-mouthed Nalgene just doesn't cut it anymore when it comes to the early adopters. They are busy showing us all how it is done with their new water bottle. A big, heavy weaponized water bottle. Something early man would have used to club the heads over other early man for the rights to the pond. 

I took a look at this new kind of bottle and wondered: When did marketers decide that everyone needed to carry a thermos around with them everywhere? 

Nothing wrong with a good, old-fashioned thermos. They were fantastic in my great-grandfather's lunch when he was working as a ship-wright. He could pull it out and get his hot coffee or his iced tea. But it was a thermos. It was not a status symbol. He did not have stickers on it with the name of the tool brands he used on it. He did not pull it out and show his fellow workers how down he was with the times. He was getting something to drink because it was lunchtime.

Now we have something monstrous for everyone to carry around. But each of us have our own. That's important. Our own burden. Our own proverbial bag of rocks slung on our backs. The price we must pay... for cold water. 

I thought it was a funny joke when Doc Brown had that gigantic machine which ran for a couple minutes only to create a couple of ice cubes for iced tea. 

Imagine the accessories for this thermos. You can get a nice nylon, shoulder strap for carrying it in the desert. Extra stickers so everyone can see how hip you are with brands no one has ever heard of. Facial recognition so no stranger can open your thermos. Iodine compartments, cooling compartments. This is gonna be huge.

I thought the CamelBak concept was it! We can't get anymore streamlined than that. We are essentially drinking our own sweat because the bladder compartment is so close to our body. Throw the bladder in the fridge and there ya go. Cold water as you walk around.

But uh oh. Backpacks are not cool. Plastic is not cool. Heavy blunt objects are all the rage!

It just seems like we are going backwards in our quest to save the world. If plastic is so bad for the landfills, how are we solving the problem by having plastic but going heavier with more metal? 

These things get dented too. Sure that's added character, but so are scars.

Heavier. More metal. Carry it with your hands. Not easily stored. Would not work well on the space shuttle...

Ship it!