As teenagers, facial hair was fascinating. That was probably because we could not grow it. A good square goatee seemed to be the right amount of cool. That represented something. Beatnik heritage maybe. I even remember my friend and I penciling goatees in one day to see how we liked it. His was a black square which was funny because his hair was brown. Mine was a brown triangle and my hair was much closer to black. But alas, we had some good reactions. Most people seemed to roll their eyes.
+ You seem like a decent guy. Why are you going to all this trouble to be outcast?
- Because it is fun. We are in high school. And I am 10 years out before I will have facial hair so give me a break.
Not much longer after that, sideburns started to be possible. And that seemed like a pretty good alternative to the goatee. The establishment did not really go for goatees back then. Getting a job in the service industry since I had no education required staying pretty conservative. Short hair, no facial hair. Maybe a well-trimmed mustache.
Hmmm. Mustaches. I am a little torn on mustaches. My Dad always had a great mustache. And for years, it was just a mustache. But outside of my Father, I could never grasp the mustache working for anyone. Besides that, I could never grow one. To this day, mine is still so weak that it takes me a month for someone to finally say: "Are you trying to grow a mustache?"
But yeah. The establishment was not real big on long hair and facial hair and chest hair. They did not want "dirtbags" going into rich people's homes and buffing their floors or setting their tile or fixing their stoves. I understand that. I am guessing that is still the case. I will have to ask my rich friends. Oh wait! I don't have any, because my friends all have facial hair. Is that the correlation?
So sideburns were really looking like the winner for me. Good long mutton chops. Okay, I could never really get those, but I could get a decent sideburn going. Not thick, but enough to make it look continuous from above. I was pretty happy with this road. I figured I could live a good healthy, long life with some sideburns. I could wear white t-shirts with rolled up jeans, go for that greaser, 50's style look. Just listen to Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens, drive an Edsel around...
Then, tragedy struck. Sideburns no longer work when your head is BALD!!!!
What made sideburns work is the idea of the continuous look. The hair on top making its way down to some sweet Star Trek points. But I have to shave my head now. What? Am I going to have sideburns starting at mid-ear, going down 3 inches and then to what? I got these two islands of hair on my face that look like I just tattooed some trapezoids on my cheeks. It looks ridiculous.
I could try to not shave the sides and back of my head to make way for the sideburns. But then I am seventies bald. Sure, the continuous thing works on the sides, but no continuousness on the top. I like to think of myself as artistic, but that look requires someone with some real panache. That person has to think of himself as extremely hip and forward thinking. And he cannot care what anyone thinks... including himself.
While that is my goal to eventually be that hip and forward-thinking guy, I am resolved for now, while I try to function in actual society, to going back to...
the goatee.
The goatee works now because I can actually grow one, it is centered, and it makes me feel like a teenager desperately trying to look older...
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