16 April 2021

The Toilet Whisperer

Does it bother you that everything that shuts in your home has this new, whisper-close technology? Why do we need this? Why is this so important to have doors automatically close as if the most delicate people were stepping in and living our lives for us?

First of all, kids need to experience slamming doors. They need to be able to slam doors, windows, drawers, cabinets, toilet seats, etc. Why?! Because they are kids. Why are we taking this right away from them? The whole idea of being a kid is to walk into a room and have people go: Whoa! Now this kid can really slam doors!

Second, whatever happened to being able to throw a good tantrum? How am I going to be able to make a totally ridiculous point if I cannot slam a drawer full of utensils shut?! I expect to slam it so hard that it does not even close right. That forks and knives going flying in every direction. 

Third, what is the deal with these stupid toilet seats? If I cannot set a toilet seat down without having it bounce a couple times, I don't deserve to be using a toilet seat. Send me out to the backyard if I can't handle that. 

The other problem is teaching our kids that all toilet seats slowly close. I can see them now on their first dates, using the restroom and suddenly the seat pounds down. Not a good opening. Of course, asking to use the restroom when you get to your date's house is not the best either... 

To add insult to injury, we got a faulty whispering toilet seat. It does not even go all the way down. It is like stuck in mid close. You walk in there and it is like time is standing still. I'd be afraid to look in the toilet. Who knows what is in mid-flush? The bathroom that time forgot.