Netflix... How Did It Come To This?

How is it that anyone actually goes for and stays with Netflix streaming?  This is the weirdest phenomenon.  People voluntarily pay money to have lame movies and old tv shows.  This would be the same thing as 20 years ago having a subscription to Hollywood Video but only being able to rent the movies whose boxes are faded by the sun.  What are we thinking?

Netflix has maybe five brand new movies that people want to see at any one time.  Avengers has been on there for a couple years, but oops!  Everyone bought it on blu-ray because it was so cheap.  And, while Jack Reacher was entertaining, I don't really want to watch it again because maybe I missed something.  I didn't.

I know a lot of people who have given up on cable or satellite tv only to opt in to Netflix and their tv antenna.  And, I understand the argument.  Why pay over $75 a month for something I don't really watch?  With satellite, things start piling up on the DVR and then, I owe the tv time because I am investing so much into it.  But I don't want to spend that much time on it.

I think there is this sweet spot with cable and satellite tv that many people are willing to accept on a monthly basis.  People would be willing to throw a certain amount out the door each month to have these services.  My thinking is that that amount is no more than $45 a month.  For $45 a month, they could have me as a customer for life.  But they don't want that.  They want to continue with their whole song and dance of $25 per month for the first year and then $75 per month thereafter.  Anyone who does even the most worthless budget is going to see how ridiculous that is.  One can only throw a $50 dollar bill in the trash so many times.

Having a family and doing things together really cuts into my tv time.  So, why have cable or satellite if I am not even there to watch it?  And once again, this goes back to the certain amount of money that I am willing to just part with each month.  

There was a time where people could not live without cable.  It was unheard of.  I think that is why Netflix appeals to people.  In a way, it is a freedom thing.  It's sticking it to the man.  It is the ability to survive outside what they said had to be.  For $20 a month, I can wait a year to watch your stupid zombie show.  Then, I will watch it all in one night.  So there!

And Netflix is ridiculous.  Things that should be on there never are.  I still make the mistake of looking for movies hoping that somehow the old Rankin-Bass Hobbit will be on there.  It isn't.  It doesn't work that way.  Instead is more like the tv we grew up with.  What's on tonight?  Well, we can either watch this old Ken Burns documentary on baseball or Free Willy 2. (For some reason, Free Willy is nowhere to be found.)  Or we can watch The Terminator for the millionth time.  Or Star Trek Deep Space Nine.  That is what tv was like when I was growing up, surfing through the channels settling on the best of the worst...

What it comes down to is that we have essentially given up.  We realized that tv has nothing to offer us in any form.  But since we have gigantic tv's and our kids need to watch something, we choose the cheapest option, Netflix.  And who knows?  Every once in awhile, we may catch a gem here or there.

The Quest for SNACKEEZ

It all started the other day when my son and I were watching QUBO, which is this cartoon station that we pick up with the antenna.  As I am watching the commercials, an AS SEEN ON TV ad comes on which seems weird, because I am watching tv.  Where else would I see it?  This product that a bunch of good-looking people are promoting, for what seemed like 20 minutes, was called the Snackeez.

I am intrigued by inventions.  Ever since Navin R Johnson introduced me to Pizza in a Cup, I have enjoyed seeing new ideas, both good and bad introduced to our eager, WalMart crazed society.  

The Snackeez is a large cup with a smaller cup at the top which houses your snack.  There is a lid and a straw penetrating the smaller cup which allows the user to both sip the drink below and eat the snack on top.

Big deal, right?

So here is where they got me.  For the most part, the snacks in the Snackeez were fruit like grapes or strawberries or M & M's, but then out of nowhere, one of the shots of the people enjoying their Snackeez showed french fries in it.  I just laughed out loud.  I couldn't believe that they would have hot french fries in the same container as their cold drink.  How stupid do they think we are?!

But it was a strange sort of ironic bonding moment with my son.  I looked it up and saw that Target has it.  And online they were saying 2 for $10.

As my kids and I were shopping the other day at Target for my wife's birthday, we started looking for the Snackeez.  It became this unattainable quest as we went from portable drink section to portable drink section.  Target must have 10 different portable cup sections throughout their store.  And this is a small Target.

All the while I was thinking that I should be shopping for my wife, but she did insist that I take the kids and they were getting burnt out looking through shiny toms and trying on lip gloss.  

But alas, no Snackeez at Target.

We checked with someone and after I described the Snackeez to her, she said that they had them at the dollar store.  And they have a strap.  You would not believe the excitement that my kids had at the prospect of having a carrying strap on a Snackeez cup.  They said nothing about the strap on the commercial...

We headed over to Dollar Tree.  We did an initial pass through to see what we could find.  But nothing was jumping out at us.  I bit the bullet and asked the worker kid there if they had a type of Snackeez cup which had both a snack section and a cup.  He said that they did have that, but the snack section attached at the bottom instead of the top.  When we found them, they did not have straps and they were indeed dollar store items... 

However... the kids loved them anyway.  They loved these knock-offs as if they were real Snackeez.  They even decided to give it its own unique name.  Snackee.

That was a few days ago.  Since then, they have gotten a lot of use.  The Snackee has been left in the car.  I kept seeing them drinking water out of their own.  The Snackee had become a staple in our house.  

And I hadn't really given it much thought since then...

But there we were walking along the front of WalMart this evening heading to electronics, when suddenly my son blurts out: 

"SNACKEEZ!!!!"

He ran over to the gigantic Snackeez display.  AS SEEN ON TV.  There they were.  All of them.  No one had bought any it seemed.  $10 apiece.  Both my kids, who were with me earlier, were ecstatic.  The colors they wanted and everything.  After all that, how could I say no?

Don't get me wrong!  I am happy too.  I essentially started it all.  I just...  You know how there are certain days when you are more excited to throw money away than others?

Anyway, I love how perceptive my kids are.  As we were walking, the display's back was just solid white and that is all we could see.  The kids had to turn back after we passed it to see that.  Their quest had never really ended.  

And now we are the proud owners of two Snackeez cups.  Looking forward to trying the hot french fries out with a cold root beer.

I Know a Worse One

I have been banned from the bedroom because of a bad habit.  I can only do this when I am 25 feet away from the house.  I have tried sneaking into the bathroom, shutting the door and turning on the fan, but somehow, my wife knows.

I feel like I am a leper or something.  It's not even really a habit.  It's just the way I do it.  Everyone does this simple act.  But mine is just a little louder than others.

I have tried to quiet it down, but I feel like I am not getting it all.

What am I to do?  Is there a doctor for this condition? 

I am not sure at what point I started blowing my nose wrong.  I do it really loud and my parents think I am going to damage my ears.  My wife thinks I am going to damage her ears.  I know it is like honking a really loud horn.    

Dad... Dad... Daddy-O

My friend told me the other day that they may be remaking Back to the Future.  Wow!  Is it already time for that?  My first thought was: How do you find someone as great as Michael J. Fox?

  

Then, this friend said that he had watched Back to the Future with his 12 year old daughter and she thought it was a stupid movie.  How is that even possible?

Back to the Future had everything in it.  It had the fifties.  It had the eighties.  It had Michael J. Fox.  It had Doc Brown.  It had a DeLorean.  It had cool science.  Or science fiction.  It had those gigantic speakers at the beginning.  It had George McFly.  It had Lorraine.  And Biff!  Skateboarding!  Nostalgia.  Mr Sandman.  "George!  Did you ever think of running for class president?!"  Mayor Goldie Wilson!  1.21 Jigawatts.

And there I sat thinking about how much was achieved with this movie.  It really coincided with what was important to us back then.  For some reason, in the eighties, the fifties were very interesting to us.  Perhaps that had to do with Reagan being in the White House and old family values being at the forefront.  Hard to say.  The look of the fifties corresponded to the eighties somewhat.  Rolled up jeans and flat tops.  Not sure about poodle skirts.  All I know is that when he goes back, I was fascinated with the time period.

Marty McFly is beyond cool.  He rides around on a skateboard and he has access to a camcorder.  He has the hot girlfriend and is an assistant to this crazy professor.  He is in a rock band.  And he loves the 4 wheel drive Toyota.  He has all these dreams, but yet he is slightly hampered by parents who never really got out of their rut.

"He's a peeping Tom."  "Get used to these bars, kid."  "Just make like a tree and get outta here."

They really did a great job of capturing a lot of great fifties nostalgia and incorporating it into the eighties, making it relevant.

But there ya go.  It was great, because it worked with the eighties and what was important back then.  If they redid it, it would have to be now going back 30 years to... uh oh!  The eighties.  But would that work?  It could.  But it seems like it would be cheap.  Or at least more cheap.

"Give me a Pepsi Free."  "If you want a Pepsi, pal, you're going to have to pay for it."

I think I need to set my kids on a program which eventually ensures that they will love Back to the Future as I did when they are old enough to see Doc Brown get mowed down by machine gun toting Libyans.  Perhaps that program will include lots of fifties music like Chuck Berry and time travel movies.  We will have to watch Family Ties.  Also, throw in some Huey Lewis and the News.

I can't fail my children on this mission.  It is too important.  Otherwise, Darth Vader from the planet Vulcan will melt my brain...

Must Finish All Candy in House

As I look longingly from bag to bag, I wonder when it is going to be over and I can go back to my healthy eating habits.  Holidays keep coming though and the candy keeps piling up.  I am helpless.  I am stuck in a vortex of sugar.  I stay up late and exhaust myself.  My teeth are rotting.  My skin is dry.  Dark circles under my eyes. (Actually, those are always there.)

Somebody save me.  Somebody come in and purge our household of all sweets.  Someone who cares about the human race.  Destroy it.  Destroy it all.  Make me go cold turkey.  Make me lick my lips incessantly because I need my fix.

I just want to be a sentient being again...  

The Second Door

Of all the awkward exchanges in life, there is one that just gives me more stress and anxiety than all the others.  I am fine with talking to people who have excellent eye contact.  I am okay with friendly people in the elevator.  I am even good with taking turns at the water fountain or ice machine.  

But the one that gets me, turns me inside out, makes me calculate from a distance to avoid it is the whole "holding the door" for people thing.  It absolutely makes no sense at all.  There I am walking up to a door and suddenly there is a girl behind me.  But of course, she is not right behind me.  She is like 50 feet away.  And so I open the door with a smile on my face and act like I am going to be there all day.  Then, she makes it even more awkward by shuffling her feet and lunging forward to act like she is hurrying to help me not have to wait so long.

Then, it gets worse.  How could it get worse?  I don't know.  But it does.  There is a second door.  Everywhere you go, there is a second door.  Something to do with air conditioning I imagine.  But then, she goes through that second door herself and does not even acknowledge that I am coming through as well.  It makes the whole initial act of holding the first door absolutely pointless.  It's not that I expect the door to be held for me.  And, I can't get through to hold the door for the person a second time because there is no room and I would look like a bigger idiot than I already do.  

What am I supposed to do here?  Take my son along wherever I go and have him ready to open the second door?  "You be ready, son!  This is a big responsibility."  It would be really cute.  The Father/Son team who beat the Second Door Dilemma.

Quality Control

Hospitals are funny places.  I see why there are so many movies and tv shows about them.  Everything is dramatic there.  It is such a strange world with so many people coming and going.  TV shows have a new guest each week so they can come in all angry and pissed off and within an hour they have resolved their issues.  While at the hospital I did not seen one person overreact to anything.  I am sure it happens, but not on a weekly occurrence like the TV indicates.

The hospital food was not bad.  I enjoyed licking the scraps up off the floor when my wife was done with them.  But I was still amazed that the food was not great.  I have prepared food before and it does not take much to make it fresh and enjoyable.  

I can imagine there is this motivated food preparer down there who is doing her best to make everything great.  She is putting the garnishes on the plate.  She is slicing the orange in just the right way.  The sandwich is hot and the bacon is still sizzling. She is just about out the door to deliver the food and she is stopped by Quality Control.

"I'll take that food!" Quality Control announces and they grab the tray away.  Then, they go through a series of steps to take care of the quality.  They hold the sandwich out on the window ledge for 10 minutes.  They painstakingly paint the red grapes green.  They throw the diced potatoes back on the grill and do their best to burn them.   

Then, the food gets sent up by a person who does not get tips for their deliveries.  They also appear to be a person who has gotten orders wrong, because they verify the name before they hand the food over.

I realize it is bulk food, but I would expect it to be as good as Denny's...

Star Power

Tower Heist was on the other night.  My wife and I watched it and there were a couple of good laughs.  

What was incredible to me was that Matthew Broderick was in it and was not billed as one of the top guys.  Maybe it is just my generation, but to me, Matthew Broderick has major star power.  His part was pretty small, but I found myself more interested in his character than anyone else.  His lines were great.  He played a former Wall Street guy who lost everything including his wife and family.  Somehow, he ends up on the team of thieves which Ben Stiller assembles.

The really weird part was how unfunny Eddie Murphy was.  He's another with star power, but it was like he was just there to collect his paycheck.  He offered nothing to the movie.  It really could have been anyone in that role.

And then there was Ben Stiller and he pretty much played Ben Stiller.  He had his calm demeanor and then he goes ape at one point.  How many times have we seen that happen?

I understand that movies like this do not have strong writers.  It is the buddy heist, feel good movie.  There are a couple twists and turns to make you feign interest.

The real key figure to me was Matthew Broderick.  He is the only one who appeared to take the role seriously and bring something to it.  Perhaps that is because the big roles are starting to not come his way anymore.  So maybe he adds more content to the roles he gets.

When I was a kid, I watched Wargames and Ladyhawke hundreds of times.  Matthew Broderick was so good.  I know that most everyone loves Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  I enjoyed it when I saw it in the theater, but I ended up taking a second look and I have had a tough time since then.  Matthew Broderick is still good in it, but the movie itself is more about how to be the biggest possible a-hole and get away with it.  You watch the movie and think: Who am I rooting for again?

I liked the fact that he would take a small role and still give a solid performance.  I think that says something about the kind of work that actors and directors need to bring to movies.  We, as the audience, know.  We are not fooled by the big names.  So what that you big names are Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller?!  You got my attention for this movie!  What are you bringing to it?!  Oh, nothing?  Maybe I will go find some actors who are willing to bring more to the screen.

Almighty Golf

When I saw Caddyshack as a young boy, I really thought golf was cool.  Despite the fact that they were ripping on the establishment, the country club aspect and the lameness of the rich, I really thought that golf had something to offer me.

For years, I tried to learn what I could about the game.  There is certainly a mystique around the game of golf.  Guys get together and they have to wear collared shirts and they can't step in each other's lines.  White glove on the left hand.  Michael Jackson?

I suppose I have felt sort of like Jay Gatsby, who thought he could be part of the rich by assimilating into its culture of parties and excess.  Only instead of flappers and top hats I am reminded that I need to shut up when someone is swinging and let the guy whose ball is furthest away go first even though he just stepped into the bushes to take a leak.

I had one good friend who wanted to go golfing all the time with me.  And we went to the cheesiest and cheapest course in town.  He beat me every single time.  But it was fun and inexpensive with no pressure to be good or flip out because my shot is hooking or fading or whatever.  This is how I think golf should be for me.  (Granted, I will flip out when playing volleyball but that's another story...)

I don't want to offer up my firstborn on the altars of golf. The country club temples are a little much.  And, I don't want to dress up in the priestly robes of Nike nor use the PING clubs to slice out the heart of the fairway.  

I want to have my thrift store cleats and my second hand clubs from the 1980s with socks on the drivers.  

I am not saying I want to be Happy Gilmore or even Al Czervyk.  

But being the ball with Ty Webb in his blindfold is the kind of golf I am shooting for.  Nananananana...

 

Half a Sheet Proves Nothing

So who decided that half a sheet of paper towel is all that is needed now?  I miss the bigger piece.  And don't tell me that I should just get two of the half sheets now to make one.  I want the square piece.  If I wanted to tear that in half, I could, but I liked being able to do more things with my paper towel.  

In fact, it felt more like an actual towel.  What do they call them now?  Paper strips?  Long napkins?  Bookmarks?

When they said: "Bounty, the quicker-picker-upper!  Half a sheet'll prove it!" they did not mean for the makers to take that literally.  Now, a half a sheet is a full sheet.  What are we going to do with this new half sheet full sheet dumb sheet?

Our obsessive nature is going to cause us to pull five times as much off the roll because now we are being short-changed too much.  Our brains cannot fathom this new non-towel, toilet paper sized strip of napkin.  If we wanted to use napkins to clean up our mess, we would use them.  We want something industrial-sized.

I also liked the idea of the original paper towel square being too big.  I felt confident that it would be enough.  And, I was well aware that I was wasting paper and trees.  But so what!  Come on!  The whole idea of having paper towels is a total waste.  If I wanted to conserve paper, I would use a regular cloth towel.  No!  I am conscientiously wasting trees.  I recognize that.  I am guilty of that.  

Don't try and soften the blow by giving me these thin strips of bacon sized paper towels!  I want the full sized two-ply sheets with the silly embroidery on them.  I want to know that if we are short on blankets in our house, that we can resort to our paper towels to keep us warm.

Moochiemeter

After sitting on my desk for months, the Moochiemeter finally has a box.  And a name.  It wasn't always the Moochiemeter.  In fact, up until 30 minutes ago, it was just a cheap multimeter.  But now, it is somebody.  Or someone. Or some thing.

Many years ago, when I was in high school, I took a math class which required an advanced calculator.  I think it came with some sort of cheap vinyl cover which would never protect it.  So, much like with the Moochiemeter, I created a small cardboard box which housed the calculator and gave it a name.  

Skankulator.

I used Skankulator for a couple years until it was time to pass her on to my younger sister, who continued with the name and even told me how Skankulator was getting along.  I think Skankulator finally died.  A sad day I think.  I sort of lost track of Skankulator.  Other calculators had come into my life.  One even had a plastic case so I had no need to name it.

So now that Moochiemeter has a box, I should probably learn how to use him.  I did test some batteries with Moochiemeter.  They were brand new so they were good.

I am thinking of doing a little cheat sheet on the inside of the box.  Moochiemeter has a black and red wire, but the spots where they plug in do not have any indication on them of which one goes where.  Both of them have green lettering on them.  I think this is a sort of deterrent for idiots.  Since a multimeter deals with electricity, the more they can keep certain people away from it the better.  

Also, I know that putting the dial on certain settings while completing the circuit could possibly blow Moochiemeter right out of my hands.

It is kind of a big box and if I write small, I could probably get a lot on there...

A State of Unrest Room

It is kind of strange to be in the restroom at work and have people come in talking very loudly.  I am there to take care of something which is hopefully quiet and personal.  But suddenly a voice comes blaring out.   In a rare instance, they are talking to someone in the urinal next to them and if it ever happens to be me, I can see myself quoting Westley in The Princess Bride as he is scrambling up the cliff:

"I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks"

But more often than not, the loud voice is because the person is on their cell phone.  Now, those microphones are really good on cell phones, so the person on the other end has to know that the guy is in the crapper.  It is an echoey sound.  One can hear toilets flush.  Grunting.  The other sounds.  There is no amount of comfortableness as this happens.

I really cannot believe that people do this.  A Saturday Night Live skit at best.  

And, I would like to think that if I was on the other line with the guy, I would just hang up.

+ "... my family was with me on the strip in Las Vegas!  And you know what that's like..."
- "Yes.  It's not a place for your family for sure.  I can't imagine..."
+ "And I was was was being handed handed handed..."
- "Hey, it sounds like you are kind of busy.  Why don't you call me back?"
+ "Oh no Oh no Oh no!  I'm fine fine fine! Let me continue this story story story."
-"It looks like I have another call coming through.  I gotta take it."
+ "I didn't hear anything thing thing."
- "Okay, fine!  You left me no choice!  You're taking a dump!  I can hear the others in there!  Just call me back!  Have some courtesy!  Wait a minute!  What am I saying?!  Don't call me ever again!  I don't care what you're selling! We don't do business with people who don't know when to hang up their phones..."

The Most Wonderful DAY of the Year

A friend of mine said that he hated Valentine's Day today.  He is married.  Happily I think.  Somehow, he just doesn't get it.  

This is the greatest day of the year.  The day to express one's undying love for one's significant other.  And how is that undying love expressed?  Candy, chocolate, cards, hearts, pink, more candy, flowers, roses, pink roses, red roses, love, and ...

Olympics?  Why not?

Happy Valentine's Day to my lovely wife!  

And Go USA!

Don't They Know? How Could They Not know?

The other night we went grocery shopping with the kids.  As they ran around hiding behind the fruits and vegetables, my wife's heart rate visibly went up and embarrassment was palpable.  As they got in other people's way, they continued to not have any consideration for anyone else.  How dare they!  Don't they know?!

And not too long ago we were in line at a restaurant where the kids climbed on the railing and swung into other people.  They bumped into other people and did not say they were sorry.  They wanted to be held even though they are too big.  They cannot contain their excitement in being someplace where they can bother the most people possible.

We come home and they drop their coats right in the kitchen of all places or in their doorway.  Our daughter has to bring everything from the play room into the rest of the house.  Our son has to leave LEGOs in multiple locations as if he is setting up separate bases around the galaxy for his spaceships to fly to.

At the grocery store, I took the kids' hands and we calmly walked to the end of the aisle and turned.  When we were out of sight of Mommy, we cut loose and ran, screaming and going wild.  Well, I did that for one second and then caught myself because I'm a grown up now.  Instead we went and found the fun Valentine's aisle and my daughter got the toy fan caught in her hair.

At the restaurant the people who were bumped into were kind and said they didn't care.  We got through, found a table, and my wife and them blew their straw wrappers at each other.  Before long, they were all getting ice cream and toy volleyballs.

The coats, toys and LEGOs scattered on the floor are perplexing.  But I guess so was the fact that my kids couldn't dress or undress themselves last year.  I will understand this riddle one day.

 

We Better Get Going If We're Going To Stay Ahead of the Weather

Even though I have seen it hundreds of times, I still feel bad that somehow I didn't watch Groundhog Day on February 2nd again this year.  How did it get past me?  

"Sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist."

The aim for me is that watching Groundhog Day on Groundhog Day should eventually be like Phil Connors living Groundhog Day over and over.  I am just not sure it has reached that point yet.  There is still meaning when I see it.

"Did you know he could ice sculpt?"

My friend recently gave a talk on Groundhog Day and discussed some concepts about it.  The idea of the movie is great and its director, Harold Ramis, was shooting for a Buddhist concept.  Living the same day over and over again is much like what we live.  I go to work each day, run into the same people, stare at the same computer.  What really changes each day?  Did I make an effort to be in the right places at the right times to serve others?  Probably not.  Or not as much as I should.  But then, I was supposed to be working.

"On me, Larry, in three..."

What about learning how to play the piano?  Just taking the time to learn something new.  I have an hour a day to get something out of life.  Or even 15 minutes.

I have heard that people have a better chance against Alzheimer's if they learn another language or keep their mind more active.  Maybe that is just a bunch of hype, but do I want to be the guy who watches Jeopardy each night and knows all the answers before the questions are even asked?  Or do I want to be writing silly observances on life on my computer?  Or do I want to know everyone in town and what their story is?

"I Only Drink To World Peace"

I may hit the point of being sick of Groundhog Day.  I never thought I would be sick of the Burbs,  but this past Halloween I was done.  I couldn't do it anymore.  Kind of sad.

"Hey Phil!?  Phil Connors?  I thought that was you..."

Ned Ryerson still speaks to me.

The Sleep Dilemma

Often, I hear that sleep is an important thing for people to get.  I have also heard that one should go to bed early and get plenty of sleep, like 8 hours.  Researchers are able to link cancer, heart disease and other ailments to lack of sleep.

These are factors which have never really been that important for me to pay attention to... 

With it being January I suppose many people are trying new things, attempting to change their lives for the better.  The gym is packed with people.  Reading has become important again.  Cable is being cancelled.  Less time on facebook.

And there are the people who reject all things New Year and continue with the same bad habits.  However, they need to make sure that everyone is aware that they don't hold to resolutions because...  Hmmm.  What do they say here?  All I can think is: lazy and uninspired?  They don't need to change because they are perfect already?  No one ever keeps their resolutions?

"Resolutions are stupid!"  Why would anyone say that?  It's a great time of year.

I remember lamenting to my Dad a couple years back that our friend just wasn't really interested in joining us at the gym and my Dad said in his defense that of course he wanted to be there.  Everyone wants to change and get huge.  Not an exact quote.

Getting up in the morning is tough.  Especially when I have stayed up too late, like 4 hours before it is time to go to the gym.  Now, the human body is amazing, because it can still function and do everything without sleep.  But, there is a consequence.  Not getting huge.

Actually, the consequence for me on lack of sleep has been these headaches I get a little after noon.  For years, I thought that I was not getting enough water.  So, I started downing the water in buckets.  I would drink 20 oz before the workout.  Then, another liter during the workout.  And then I would have 2 liters during the day at work.  After a few months of this and still getting headaches, I consulted the Duh factor.

Sleep!

This week I did a little experiment.  I went to bed early every night.  I got 5 grueling workouts in and no headaches.  I was awake all day without incident.  The only time I had trouble was during a training session that a teammate was giving us on git.  (And if you google that, you will understand why.)

But, here's the problem with getting too much sleep.  No creativity.  Or no illusion of creativity.  What is it about the night that is so enticing?  Why is it so daring to be up all night?  Why do I have this urge to watch Star Trek The Next Generation and Continuum until 1:30 in the morning?  What is it about the stigma of going to bed at a decent hour?

Normally, I would still be asleep right now on a Saturday.  Instead I am writing on a boring topic like sleep.  Because I went to bed early and got up early.  Normally, I have to play catch-up, because I am exhausted from staying up all night.  But now I am normal.  I don't have this edge to me.  I am just like everyone else who goes to sleep when they should.

What's going to happen to me if I continue down this road?  Will I be able to concentrate longer?  Will I start wearing polo shirts more?  Will I sit in traffic?  Will I eat more fiber and speak intelligibly?  Will I be awake at family gatherings?

And the biggest question: Will I get huge?

What Can I Teach My Boy?

What can I teach my boy?

I have been pondering this question lately as we are stuck inside on these cold winter nights.  I taught my son how to tie his shoelaces the other night.  That seemed pretty major.  He is already reading like a madman, so I can't do much there.  He is better than me at video games now.  And, he plays with LEGOs like a champ.

Then, it dawned on me that I could help him learn how to program.  So, we set about doing his first program.  Since he is still very young, I figured I would show him the basics.  But, we didn't program in BASIC.  And, we did not do a command line "Hello World" application.  I know!  How do you not do "Hello World"?



I broke out the Visual Studio 2008.  And we coded in C#.  We created a Spiderman Calculator which only did addition.  It did a postback.  No javascript.  I had him fill in the text for the labels and button.  He picked out the image.  And I wrote the code for the calculator.  It was a nice, simple out of the box application which anyone could do.  But do they?

There was a moment in which I was trying to convey to him the deep importance of what he was witnessing.  

One day, son, you could be hacking into Target...

The Psycho Wall

Have you noticed that a lot of movies/tv shows have a psycho wall hidden in the main character's  home?  You know it.  It's the wall which has lots of clippings on it and pieces of paper with yarn connecting them.  And they use this primarily to make all sorts of connections in the revenge that they have planned.

I have decided that I need to have one of these walls myself.  Of course, it has to be hidden from everyone.  And I need to come up with someone or something to plan my revenge against.  Perhaps, it could be the inventor of the piano key necktie. 

Or it could be something more abstract.  Like, coming up with a way to solve world hunger.  Yeah.  And I could do it in secret.  Then, I could take all that information on my wall and have it tattooed on my body.  Of course, all those papers will need to be destroyed.  Once it is tattooed on my body, then I could infiltrate the organizations who hold back all the food.  They would never suspect I had all the answers inked on my body.

That seems kind of expensive though.  The hidden wall I could just cover up with a piece of plywood, but a tattoo like that would not be cheap.  And all those food bank employees would be wondering why I keep taking off my shirt.  For street cred, man!  Yeah, that won't work.

So for now, I will just have to stick to the psycho wall and Mugatu.  To start with, I need to borrow some yarn from my wife.  Then, I need to either get a piano key necktie or draw one.  Do you think those movie characters have much time to draw out their connections?  I could see spending a couple hours trying to make the psycho wall look balanced and artistic.  As planned out as they make it, the characters always seem a little more anxious than that. 

What was wrong with chalkboards?

Based On Actual Trueness

I love movies that are based on a true story.  I love the fact that it says: "based on a true story."  It does not say "This IS a true story."  In fact, it NEVER says that it is a true story.  The producers of movies know that they have to deliver half-truths.

One of my favourite things to do with movies that are based on a true story is to figure out the elements of the movie which are definitely not true.  There are things they do in movies which are so cliche that it makes me cringe.  They have this formula that they have to do and it blows my mind that they cannot deviate from it.

Somehow it seems to be that the biggest non-truths happen in the climax of the movie.  Here I am attempting to point some out, but I would be spoiling the movie.  So, I will try to use some old examples.

Many years ago there was a movie called White Squall.  It was based on an incident where some boys have a school on a boat and a big storm comes up and wipes them out.  Lives were lost and there is this big courtroom scene at the end and one of the kids holds up this bell that was on the boat.  It was so cheap and lame that it just caused me to lose all the great tension that the movie had.  It took me out of the movie, which violates suspension of disbelief.

Another movie that comes to mind was Hidalgo.  That one was just agonizing.  The horse race across the dessert.  The rescue of the princess or whatever.  The horse...  wow! That was a long time ago and very forgettable.

The Coen brothers did Fargo and they said it was based on a true story at the beginning.  That was a complete lie to begin with, so the joke was on us the whole time.  Coens for the win.

I think there has to be a better disclaimer at the onset.  Let's not use the word "true" or "actual".  How about we say something like: "You are watching a movie so don't hold us accountable for anything that is going to happen in it.  Some names belong to living or dead people.  So what!  It's a movie!"

Actually, there is a disclaimer that goes a lot like that: "...If you are wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts, repeat to yourself 'It's just a show.' So breathe and just relax."  

Please Leave Your Elephant Gun At The Door... Also Your Donkey Gun While You Are At It

I was once a kid and I know what it is like to be bullied, to have fear.  The idea that some other kid and his anger or angst or anxiety could weigh on me so heavily that I shrank at my desk or cowered by walking home a longer way.  It is completely horrible.  It is debilitating.

I am sure it was equally frustrating for my father who watched me not take control better.  In so many situations, I just let the environment get the best of me.  Whether it was other kids or coaches or domineering adults, it was hard to find my place.

But I will tell you, I never imagined ever coming to school with a gun so I could slaughter my enemy.  Or take out my frustrations on a bunch of innocents.  Maybe a lot of people imagine doing such things, but never carry them out.  I don't know.  But I didn't.

Pro-gun people have all their set arguments and anti-gun people have all theirs.  In talking to most anyone about this, the polarization is ugly.  I am trying to reach a source of truth here though.  I don't want to jump into the politics of it (although that is pretty unavoidable).  I am trying to explore what solutions might exist for this sort of tragedy that continues to happen in our country.

A gun is very powerful.  It's pretty much the most powerful item that the average man can own.  With a gun, a person is able to kill someone in seconds.  Other people, themselves, you name it.  They can destroy things quickly.  And, in the wrong hands, there is not much hope.  People cower.  People run for cover.  People are not charging the shooter trying to disarm them.

Someone who pulls out a gun for whatever reason has just taken a huge stand and is announcing to those around that he/she means business.  Even in a place like a shooting range where many others are armed, the responsibility that each gun-owner carries is huge.  That person has to look out for himself, those around him like their family.  There is no light moment in which a child can play with a gun.  Life is serious when guns are introduced.

So, back to the problem.  How does a teenager get hold of a gun?  How do we prevent this sort of thing from happening?  How do we get the retaliation aspect out of kids' heads?  Out of adults' heads even?  Protection is one thing, but what is causing people to assume that they need to even the playing field or one up others at all costs?  What is going on in our societal programming that makes people think this way?  Why does it all end with guns?  Why is our focus so much on guns?

I realize that we can't just take everything away like video games, movies and of course, guns.  But maybe we can shift our attitudes away from the things that are getting people killed.  

I know people that play video games and enjoy the missions.  In the process they carry multiple weapons and shoot anything and everything at will.  While that may be horrifying to a small child, by the time many kids are teenagers, they don't think twice about first person shooter games.  Most of those people (kids and adults) can rationally think that when they are not playing the game they have no reason to go out and do the same thing to others.  But, I don't think I am wrong in saying that simulating a first person gun toting narrative invites ideas into people's heads about doing those sorts of things.  And if one supports games of this nature, one should accept that irrational people will take it a step further.  They have. 

Now, I watched the Matrix and the scene where Neo goes to rescue Morpheus is very intense.  There is no doubt he is going to blow everyone away in the process, but it is cool because there is this music along with it that pumps you up.  They are in their black leather and doing all sorts of cool acrobatic style tricks in slow motion.  The movie is Rated R.  And, I don't come out of that thinking that I need to go into a building and start blowing people away.  But what kind of entertainment is this?  What kind of society feeds off this sort of thing?  And if we just tweak a couple of assumptions, what is to stop people from deciding to do almost the same thing?

Violence and shootings are the types of things we have to deal with in a society that wants to have as much freedom as possible to do whatever.  People may argue that these types of crimes are statistically going to happen and that there is nothing that can be done about it.  Maybe that is true.  I don't want it to be true.  There are countries where things like this never happen.  It's possible that the people in these countries are drooling in a cup all day long as the government doles out their rations of cheese.  Part of being such a great dynamic country is having to deal with a few losers who go nuts and kill a bunch of people.  Our only two options are: 

1. the cheese and the cup
2. bullets in the brain  

One or the other.  Choose!


It is almost as if we worship guns.  People don't fear God.  They fear guns.  Kids don't go bowling.  They play games where they can shoot each other on tv.  Adults don't go see movies about love and compassion.  Adults go to mature movies about justice where guns are always there. 

Guns have become a fact of life.  

And with so much emphasis placed on guns, those who don't get the loving family nor the accepting society nor the accommodating peer group are lost.  They only see the guns, because that is the only thing that makes them feel powerful.

So what do we do to counter this notion, this improper worship of a false god?

Rather than point at everyone else, I will just say what I think I should do.  

First of all, I look at a gun as a sacred trust.  For example: 

• This is something that doesn't come out unless it is absolutely needed.  
• To protect my home.  
• To protect my country. 

I could argue that the shooting range is necessary from time to time.  But other than that, there is nothing cavalier about a firearm.  It stays locked up and is respected.

Second, it is time to look out for the little guy, the kid that is not going to understand the purpose of a gun.  This is a little abstract, but I am more interested in the creative mind and what people can create, rather than what they can destroy.  Let's excite our children with art not with destruction.  

Third, bullying seems to be part of life.  In some ways, I wish it wasn't, but it is there.  And it is something that has to be dealt with on some level.  I don't believe in getting the crap kicked out of you to make a point.  I don't believe that a weapon has to be used either to handle that sort of situation.  There are some awful people out there.  And there are normal people who do awful things.  I will try to teach people to give it time when it comes to dealing with bullies.  

Bullies get humbled.  Life is rough on everyone.  


Now, if a bully has broken into my house, that's a different story...

To Boldly Go Where Everyone Else Did 20 Years Ago

Do you ever have a day where you don't watch TV and you feel pretty dang good about yourself?  Today is one of those days... so far.  

Currently, I am watching Star Trek The Next Generation on Netflix and I am on season 4.  You know how when you start to read a book and you just can't get into it for the first few chapters and then suddenly it hits you that you are loving it?  That is where I am on Star Trek The Next Generation.  I should have always loved it, right?  I did as a kid.  Didn't I?

It is not as great as the original Star Trek.  (Oddly enough the Next Generation effects are dated enough to look the same as the original.)  But it has its place.  It really is quite different from the original.  So I will not compare.  I feel that is wrong.

Part of why I couldn't get into Star Trek The Next Generation is because of my wife.  She watched them for years with her family growing up and I got the impression she didn't like it, that somehow it was a form of abuse for her.  But I was wrong.  She does like it.  She just doesn't want to watch it again.  Weird!

For me, everything after Season 2 is all brand new.  I stopped watching it back then.  I guess I might have gotten too cool for it.  I remember my best friends would watch it.  And D's girlfriend was really into the whole Troi aspect of it.  Like, each time Troi would say: "I sense a lot of conflict in this alien being and that they are not telling the truth", it would generate all new discussion.  For me, I am thinking:  "Really, Troi?  You say that about everyone you encounter.  Isn't it possible that alien ships encountering this huge mother of a ship with tons of firepower might not tell the complete truth when lined up in the crosshairs?"

But I like Troi.  I like everybody.  I even like Wesley Crusher.  Funny, I am trying to think of who I don't like.  I think I am suspicious of Riker not being likable.  At the start of an episode, I have doubts about him, but he always wins me over by the end.  

I was pretty mad at Troi for being such a big baby when she lost her empathic ability a couple episodes back.  She resigned and went through the whole drama thing.  I know that was the point of it all.  She was finally learning what it was like to be human rather than betazoid.

So perhaps all of this is me coming to terms with my inner nerd.  Or is it innerd?  I know with all my star wars movie knowledge and other geek things I do, I have always qualified on some level.  But I think embracing Star Trek The Next Generation as something great at this point in my life is really saying a lot about how uncool I have become.  Finally!!!  

Chicken Coop Frickin' Poop!

As I trudged through the snow which has blanketed our backyard for a couple months now, I headed for the chicken coop to ... Oh man!  That smell!  I opened that door and it gives new meaning to the term "cooped up."

I don't know what it is, but no one who owns chickens tells you about this part of it.  The winter part.  There is chicken poop everywhere in the coop.  And I mean everywhere.  There is no place which is sacred for the chickens.  Their water.  Their food.  The spot where they are supposed to lay eggs.  Granted, they do not poop in the far right nest where eggs are retrieved, so I guess that one is sacred, but everywhere else... 

The smell is awful, but changing the water is such a pain.  It has to be kept from freezing, so there is a heating element inserted into the top.  But, this also welcomes a host of green life which needs to be scrubbed out.  And, it is too cold to attach the hose up to the spigot, so everything has to be done right next to the house.  The weather is cold so I am freezing.  And, the lid has to be on just right or the water flows all the way out.

I really don't understand this club of chicken owners who have gotten together and conspired to tell everyone how great it is to have your own eggs.  Brother Brown has chickens.  Why shouldn't you?  I have never really had a problem with store-bought and as far as I know, neither has anyone else I have ever met.  In fact, I have one friend who prefers bleached eggs.

The only other possible argument is that chicken poop in the yard makes great fertilizer.  But, it also makes a big mess when you track it in to your house because it is literally everywhere in the yard.

As I was going through these awful chores today, I came to the conclusion that I was going to tell my wife that when these chickens died, that's it!  No more!  I have had it with this disgusting mess and the smell and all that goes into having our own eggs.  

But then it dawned on me.  I have children who need to learn how to be tough and be responsible for things.  I have a son who needs to see that his father is not afraid of going out and braving the monstrous amounts of chicken crap in the backyard.  He needs to see that his father does not back down, but comes up with solutions to problems.  My daughter needs to see the smile on my face as I scoop out the piles of chicken poop out of the coop and into the wheelbarrow.  She needs to know that Daddy whistles while he works.

Indeed, the days of doing what we want to do and being comfortable are past us.  It is a new day in which we have to build up a new generation of chicken farmers who can pick up a chicken and not be afraid as it tries to fly away and pecks at their hands or the shiny objects on their shoes.  One day, my children will thank me that I taught them these things.

(Can I also say that I am thankful my Dad did not butcher chickens like my best friend's Dad did down the street growing up?  I guess blood was everywhere like the movie Evil Dead.  We'll just let ours die of natural causes...)

Do You Want to Build a Snow Castle?

My only problem with the new movie, Frozen, is the sudden ability for Elsa to create a masterpiece castle of ice and snow in the middle of nowhere on a really steep mountain.  She starts walking up the hill, gets to where she wants to build it and then suddenly starts emitting perfect angles and pristine staircases.  Everything is perfect right away.  

Couldn't they have humoured us a little bit?  Give us something to show that she isn't perfect at it right away.  She could have shot out a blast of ice which was intended to be the initial wall, but then it starts to fall, so she tries to shore it up with another ice 2 x 4.  But then that has trouble holding.  She realizes her foundation isn't so good, so she stops for a second.  She then creates a rudimentary ice chair which is a little off, but it's a decent item to sit on as she starts planning her dream ice castle and honing her skill.

She could be working on all these things, all while singing this song about letting it go.  Here she stands as she is propelled upwards on a sure foundation of smooth ice in carved out doorways and magnificent arches.  It would make more sense if she was busy building something from scratch rather than just sulking about her awesome power while everything is already done.

What's wrong with a little trial and error?  We saw that with Spiderman when he starts shooting his webs and goes hurtling below when it doesn't work right.  Xmen has been about them learning how to perfect their mutant abilities and control.  Luke Skywalker blows up the Death Star after practicing against the remote which shoots little laser blasts.  And How to Train Your Dragon showed a step by step process to learn to work with and gain trust of a fire-breathing death serpent.

Of course, it is good to teach little kids about love conquering all, but mutant freezing powers does not mean you are suddenly a master builder and architect.